Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?

Female customer:
A white one...
===============

Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry....
===============

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============

Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.
===============

Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...
============== =

Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============

Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
===============

Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
===============

Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============

Customer: can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============

Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============

Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============

Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
===============

A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============

And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Colin, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!

Google’s PDF Search Throws Some Light on the Dark Web

Google said on its official blog that it has developed optical character recognition technology to the point that its search engine can read any scanned document in Adobe’s PDF format, effectively turning scanned images into words that are searchable and indexable.

It’s no secret that Google has been looking into OCR; the Mountain View, Calif.-based company’s efforts to make books and newspapers digitally searchable are also related to its broader efforts to expand the parameters of search.

October 2008 News & Views Below

CU SECURITY & TECHNOLOGY News - Providing a brief summary of news and information related to security and technology issues for credit unions - Plus some interesting and fun web sites.(Click on photos to enlarge)

Security Solutions Available from CUNA

Security Solutions, a comprehensive suite of products and services and educational training and consulting that will help you foster a safer, more prepared credit union environment.

Physical Security
Keep your staff and members far out of harm’s way and prevent losses from physical damage, theft, and unauthorized access to critical equipment and documents.

Network Security
Keep your network operational and intruders or other dangers at bay, preserving the privacy, integrity, and availability of electronic data. Learn how to comply with applicable federal and state laws.

Fraud Prevention
Reduce your credit union's risk exposure and your members from identity theft and phishing exploits. Outsmart potential perpetrators, take heed of suspicious account activity, and follow other proactive measures to safeguard your members’ identity and your credit union’s intellectual property.

Business Continuity
Establish business continuity planning resources and a course of action that will accelerate your return to “business as usual” in the wake of a crisis. Understand how to test and update your plan to ensure its ever-lasting dependability.

Click here for more information: http://strategicservices.cuna.org/sec_solutions/csa_sec_solutions.html

Meet Bill Rogers at CU InfoTECH 2008

Meet Bill Rogers, Tom Glatt, Sr. and a host of others at CU InfoTECH 2008 in New Orleans. The dates are November 13-16 at the Monteleone Hotel in the French Quarter.

Yes, we will be talking biometric identification and hope to give you information overload on this technology. The program includes video clips from four credit unions using this technology for member and employee authentication.

The program is co-sponsored by CU Conferences and William Rogers & Associates.

For more information, visit: http://cuconferences.com/Tech08/default.htm

Do You Still Fall for These Email Hoaxes? Five Common Email Hoaxes

Friends don’t let friends fall for email hoaxes, right? Wrong! I get hoax emails from my friends all the time, and sometimes even I am tempted to believe them!

If you are as annoyed by these misinformed emails as I am, help is on the way. Here are some of the most common types of email hoaxes and several ways for you to check the credibility of the next suspicious email you get.

1. The Sick Kid Email Hoax: The names and diseases change, but the premise is basically the same. A young child, stricken with a horrible, fatal disease, wishes for everyone to pass the email along to friends, relatives, work buddies, distant acquaintances, etc. Usually the email says that each person sending it on causes a donation to be made to a charity or research facility so that the world will be eradicated of the disease in the future. Bottom line? There are no email tracking programs that will generate money at the click of the send button.

2. The Virus Email Hoax: Pass this on to everybody in your email address book! The “Insert latest virus name here” is going to crash your hard drive, cause you major headaches and cost you tons of money. Okay, reality check. Yes, real viruses can be nasty and expensive. But if your best plan for attack is to rely on your friends for a virus warning, you may have bigger problems.

3. The “True” Urban Legend Email Hoax: Is there such a thing as a true urban legend? Usually, no. Your helpful friends want you to be safe and informed, so they send you along the convincing stories warning against all kinds of different dire scenarios. Any of the following sound familiar? HIV needle in the phone booth/gas nozzle/movie theater. The poor sap that paid $250 for a cookie. The man who had his kidneys stolen. The person in the shopping mall parking lot waiting to spray you with perfume (which is really ether) so they can debilitate you and steal your cash.

4. Giveaways and Free Money Email Hoaxes: These are anything from the ones where you send the email on and sit back to wait for your free clothes/candy/money to appear, to the granddaddy of them all: the Nigerian Hoax Email Scam.

5. Chain Letter Emails: Okay, I admit, these are not dangerous, just annoying! You mean to tell me, if I don’t send emails on to at least 10 people, I am an antisocial creep destined to become a lonely elderly cat person? (And I love cats!) Please. I am embarrassed to send these silly letters on to my friends, which is why I never do.

So how do you find out if an email forward you’ve received is an email hoax? There are a number of good websites that will help you out. My personal favorite is http://www.truthorfiction.com/ I can click on the search box, enter in the title or key phrase in the email I have just received, and it will instantly give me the real scoop.

There are also other sites that offer good email hoax information: http://www.hoax-slayer.com/, http://www.vmyths.com/ for information on computer viruses, http://www.hoaxbusters.ciac.org/, and http://www.snopes.com/. These are just a few of the many sites containing information about hoaxes, myths, and urban legends.

Now, for the more delicate question. What do you do about all those friends who send this junk to you? Do you tell them the email is bogus? Quietly delete it? I, for one, don’t really want to make my friends feel stupid, so I usually quietly ignore the harmless or long-circulating ones. However, when I receive one that I think merits concern, I will usually send a link to one of the hoax sites so they can get the truth. Does it help? Well, I still get stupid forwarded emails. But at least I know I’ve done my part to educate a few people about not always believing what they read. I hope I’ve done my part to help you, too!

More resources Truth or Fiction: http://www.truthorfiction.com/ Hoax Slayer: http://www.hoax-slayer.com/ Hoaxbusters: http://www.hoaxbisters.ciac.org/

Do-Not-Call List Pros and Cons

Turns out you can add anyone's number to -- or remove anyone's number from -- the Canadian do-not-call list. You can also add (but not remove) numbers to the U.S. do-not-call list, though only up to three at a time, and you have to provide a valid e-mail address to confirm the addition.

Here's an idea. If you're a company, add every one of your customers to the list. That way, none of your competitors will be able to cold call them.

Another round of robo-call scams hit CUs

Credit unions in four states are reporting members and nonmembers have been hit with another round of e-mails and "robo-call" scams, aimed at tricking consumers out of their personal financial information. Click below for information:

http://www.cuna.org/newsnow/08/system102708-10.html?ref=hed

CUs + Biometrics = CU InfoTECH Conference

http://www.mydocsonline.com/pub/wrogers/CUTech08.gif
Biometric identification technology will be one of the key subjects discussed at the CU InfoTECH 2008 Conference set in New Orleans for November 13-16. Visit the conference website at: http://cuconferences.com/Tech08/FINAL%2008%20InfoTech%20Rough%206_24-Final.pdf
to learn how credit unions are using biometric ID for employee and member authentication.

..

FakeTV Burglar Deterrent Device

We're sure your home is a sanctuary for gadgets and electronics... problem is thieves love expensive 5.1 surround systems just as much as you do. So what happens when you need to leave your humble abode for several weeks while making an annual pilgrimage to Tokyo? Well your Mom would tell you to simply leave a TV on in an upstairs window to give your would-be burglars the impression you are at home. Problem is, leaving your 50 inch plasma display to burn-in for days on end is not a desirable solution either.

Luckily the FakeTV Burglar Deterrent Device has got your back. This small white box is only vaguely reminiscent of a TV, but it features a series of LED lights that glow to simulate the changing screen of a real TV. Put it behind some blinds or in an upstairs window and it creates the completely convincing effect of an active TV. Potential thieves will assume you are at home and instead choose to break into your neighbor's house and rip off their collection of old betamax VCRs.

For more information, visit: http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/security/a8d6/

Major Discounts On-Line

Black Friday - the number one shopping day, the day after Thanksgiving - is just around the corner. You probably don't have time to scour all the deal sites every day but this is a good one to check out, NOW. Don't wait until the day before Thanksgiving. The Black Friday ads are excellent.
It also features discounts available only on-line, every day and not just on Black Friday.
http://blackfriday.gottadeal.com/

Black Friday Predictions for 2008

Having covered Black Friday extensively for the past five years, the site is in a better position than pretty much anyone else to offer predictions for this year. Over the years we've noticed trends in the deals offered by the major retailers and can offer a glimpse into what we believe will be the 2008 Black Friday deals and hot items. We'll also give you some predictions for the actual prices you'll see these items selling at this Black Friday based on our research.
http://blackfriday.gottadeal.com/BlackFridayPredictions

CU blogger notes female members' needs

Selling a woman on a credit union is like selling an entire household, according to a credit union blogger.

Mark Arnold, senior vice president of marketing at Neighborhood CU, Dallas, noted female credit union members' needs on CU Campus, an Internet-based tool developed by CU Village and launched by the Michigan Credit Union League.

Credit unions should connect women with their brand because they'll pass it along to friends.

"Women are three times more likely to recommend a brand or service they enjoy than men are," Arnold said. Credit unions also should offer retirement plans focused exclusively on women. Women are under-enrolled in retirement plans compared with men, he said.

"Women make almost 80% of the household buying decisions, comprise 59% of total college graduates and will control 60% of the wealth in the U.S. by 2010," Arnold added.

A 1969 perspective on computers in the future

Remember The Jetsons and how cool “the future” was supposed to be? This 1969 video shows the convenience of online shopping, banking, and an “electronic correspondence machine.” It shows a future with a passable resemblance to today.

http://blogs.techrepublic.com.com/classic-tech/?p=192

One of the most fun things about looking at how things used to be is looking at what people used to think “the future” would look like. This video is a case in point. Here we have a vision of home computing from the time the original Star Trek was on the air.

Today we do pretty much everything shown in this video, just a little differently. The dials and push buttons look quaint by today’s technological standards. It’s interesting to see flat screens, however, in an era that didn’t have TV tubes as large as the displays shown. The “electronic correspondence machine” is interesting in that it foreshadows the development of tablet PCs, a technology that still isn’t quite where it needs to be for mass adoption.

It’s interesting what the video says goes on in the background:

“To maintain these, and hundreds of complex electronic circuits, a monitor checks all circuits every few seconds, inserts a backup circuit if and when trouble develops, and alerts the Communal Service Agency for replacement.”

The images on the video suggest that they’re talking about physical circuits in the home computers, but I can’t figure out how they thought that would work. It’s much more analogous to the network connections that happen on the Internet between routers today. That may be more what they were suggesting.

Of the nontechnical aspects to the video, I thought it was interesting to notice the misogynistic aspect of it whereby the wife would do nothing but shop and watch the kids, while the husband did all the bills, banking, and correspondence from his workstation. And he did all this while holding his head and shaking it at his wife’s extravagance. I guess they didn’t expect culture to change much in the future even if the technology did.

What views of the future do you think we have today that we’ll look back on in 40 years and go “What were they THINKING?”

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.

Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.”
Margaret Mead

FBI posts photos of threat letter to financials

The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI), yesterday posted online photographs of one of more than 50 threatening letters mailed to financial institutions in 11 states.

In addition to a threatening message, most of the letters also contain a powder substance, according to a statement from the FBI. Field and laboratory tests on the powder so far have been negative, said the agency.

Financial institutions in New York, New Jersey, Washington, District of Columbia, Ohio, Illinois, Colorado, Oklahoma, Georgia, California and Texas have reported receiving the letters. The Federal Deposit Insurance Corp. and the Office of Thrift Supervision also received letters, according to the FBI.

The U.S. Postal Inspection Service is offering a reward of up to $100,000 for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the person(s) who prepared and mailed the letters, which were mailed from Texas and postmarked at Amarillo.

"Should your any part of your institution--corporate offices, branches--receive one of theses letters, please contact your local FBI office and ask for the WMD Coordinator," said the FBI.

FISOLV OFFERING INDIVIDUAL BUSSINESS IMPACT ANALYSIS AND RISK ASSESSMENT SERVICES

FISolv announced it is offering two additional services to financial institution to help build the Business Continuity Plan (BCP). FISolv now offers an individual Business Impact Analysis (BIA) and Risk Assessment independent of their complete BCP. FISolv will host informational webinars on the BIA and Risk Assessment.

Penny-pinching shoppers may get PC deals soon

Sales of personal computers didn't live up to expectations over the summer, and now analysts predict shoppers will cut spending even more drastically in the all-important holiday quarter.

So far, PC prices appear to be holding steady. But buyers may get better deals soon as computer companies try to avoid getting stuck with a pile of unsold inventory on Dec. 31.

Analyst Roger Kay of Endpoint Technologies said the unofficial start date for holiday PC promotions has crept earlier in recent years. This year, Kay said, computer makers are feeling panicky and wondering if they'll even make it through October without slashing prices.

PC makers generally reap thin profit margins, so don't expect prices to drop precipitously. In addition to whatever price cuts they do make, companies also are likely to offer more package deals that include free software or hardware add-ons to make more expensive machines look like a better deal. They may also rely on the age-old practice of luring shoppers with a low-end, cheaper configuration, but try hard to up-sell pricier, more powerful machines.

New Investment Plan

If you had purchased $1,000.00 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.

With Lehman Brothers, you would have $1.65 left of the original $1,000.00.

With Wellman, you would have less than $0. 50 left.

If you had purchased Frontier, ATA, or Skybus Airlines, you would have nothing left.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $212.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Trying to increase productivity? Send your employees home

Companies that give their workers the option of telecommuting are seeing greater productivity, lower costs, improved employee health and greater employee retention, according to a survey released today by the Computing Technology Industry Association.

Case in point: I’m typing this from this from my own home office setup - a desk out in a corner of the garage where there’s a printer, a phone, some speakers (for my background tunes) and even a small TV with CNN on in the background. I’m still wearing the shorts and T-shirt I threw on this morning when I started the grind of getting the kids off to school. Since then, I’ve gone through my RSS-feed reader, answered a handful of e-mails and started writing this blog entry.

The upside for the boss: I started working as soon as I poured that first cup of coffee and haven’t really stopped since. The upside for me: I didn’t have to fill my tank, scrounge up some lunch money or even iron a shirt. And when the kids get home from school, I’ll be here. There’s no sitter to pay just to watch them do their homework.

Among the findings of the survey:

> 67 percent of the companies polled said employees were more productive, largely because they spent less time getting to and from work.

> 59 percent reported seeing cost savings from reduced use of office-related materials and resources.

> 39 percent said they have access to a more qualified staff, expanding their options to people who are located in - and not willing to relocate from - other regions. Likewise, 37 percent said telecommuting improved employee retention.

> 25 percent said employee health was improved, largely by reducing stress levels associated with the commute.

> Other benefits included promotion of safety through reduced highway use (18 percent) and environmental benefits (17 percent).
(Click on Graph to Enlarge)

Today’s tech tools - things like VPNs, WiFi hotspots, faster broadband connections and online and video conferencing services - have made telecommuting easier. My favorite tool: a virtual phone number from Google’s Grand Central service allows me to give my business contacts one phone number that simultaneously rings my home phone, office phone and cell phone so I never miss a call.

There are some downsides, though. Companies said that their challenges include: securing corporate information systems (53%), limiting use of unauthorized and unsupported devices (38%), and controlling personal use of corporate mobile assets (33%). To meet the challenges, companies have had to upgrade their networks and VPN equipment and expand security, training, and implementation of new virtualization technologies and applications.

For the employees, the biggest downside of being a telecommuter is that idea that you’re never really “off.” More often than not, I’ll give the boss another hour or two of work after dinner or just before bed - which can easily turn a 40-hour week into a 50-hour week. But I don’t mind.

For me, giving the company some extra work time is my way of saying thanks for the opportunity to stay off the freeway and be around to watch my kids grow up.

Financial Definitions I Never Knew

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistakehimself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance,the wife gets no jewelry, and the husband gets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as themarket keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assetsequally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

SUBPRIME MORTGAGE - A loan that allows you to buy a house in less thanprime condition for way above market value.

BAILOUT - What you do in the basement of a subprime house following thefirst rains after you move into it.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down thetoilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 pershare.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo@ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in anuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

Wal-Mart selects PayPal for online payments

The online division of US retailer Wal-Mart Stores accepts PayPal for online payments.

Wal-Mart is the world's largest public corporation by revenue, according to the 2008 Fortune Global 500 magazine. Walmart.com provides over 1 million products in its online store, including electronics, toys, home, garden, baby, sports products and more. Wal-Mart is the largest grocery retailer in the US, with an estimated 20 percent of the retail grocery and consumables business.

Walmart.com has a traffic rank of 247 in Alexa's most visited websites ranking. According to a US study released by Javelin Research & Strategy in September 2007, alternative payment methods, PayPal included, will increase to gain 30 percent of all online transaction volume by 2012, up from 14 percent in 2007. Consumers participating in the surveys consider alternative payment methods as trusted and viable method to pay for online purchases.

At present, PayPal processes almost USD 2,000 in payments every second.

September 2008 News & Views Below

CU SECURITY & TECHNOLOGY News - Providing a brief summary of news and information related to security and technology issues for credit unions - Plus some interesting and fun web sites.(Click on photos to enlarge)

Credit Union Technology Conference Set for New Orleans, November 13-15

Click on graphic to enlarge: